For the past 5 years my need to struggle against various sets of conflicting thoughts and feelings has been like a constant, but burdensome, friend. Wrestling with questions about existence and happiness seemed imperative to my survival and constantly on my mind. And while it has been my mind that searched for answers and often only dug up more questions, it seemed to be my heart, my guts that experienced the weight of their importance. At times it felt like a high-stakes game accompanied by emotional fluctuations easily mistaken for passionate living.
With a solid six months of contentment, dare I say happiness, under my belt I find myself wondering what's become of my passions, my emotional landscape. Sometimes it feels rather dull compared to the "old" me. Is my personal philosophy now so well-coalesced that I no longer need to grope and grasp around looking for answers? Have I actually taken ownership of my happiness and found success where I feared I might only find failure? I feel there could be significant danger of boredom in what I perceive as the stasis of happiness. I admit to feeling some sadness at the loss of the emotional ups-and-downs that have swayed me for a good handful of years.
We all give lip-service to wanting happiness, but I'm not sure I believe that most people would know what to do with themselves if they actually became masters of their own happiness.
And so next week, as I recover from my early 30s and head into my late 30s I ask myself this: If my internal world has settled (for the time being) into a place of happiness, what next; what now to fire my heart, my passion? It's powerful to ask oneself this question, take responsibility for it and say, I don't know... yet...but it's gonna be a blast to figure it out and in the meantime... it sure feels damn good to be happy.