Monday, November 30, 2009

Fear of "The Last Time"

Nature should be no friend of mine, as she forever marks the passing time. And shows the world held upside down, in a drop of rain slowly stretching toward the ground.

My desire to write hides deep under cozy covers dreaming away in a sluggish slumber while time has its way with me. Perhaps I must shake my creative-self by the shoulders, set off an alarm, dump a bowl of cold water over my lazy creative head; in other words - force the beast awake. Heh...just in time for winter's hibernation. An uphill battle? Or perfect timing? We shall see.

About two weeks ago while snuggled under the covers with my husband, my sleep-attaining process was derailed when a thought bubbled-up innocuously from my brain: "Huh...eventually one of these times will be the "last" time I ever snuggle in bed with my husband. Except I won't know it's the last time until it's too late." That thought extrapolated easily to "Wow... everything will be the "last time" eventually." One of the times that we linger after dinner - drinking a bottle of wine, talking for hours - will be the last. There will be a last time I hear him play the guitar. There will be a last time we ride in the car together. There will be a last time we make love. There will be a last time we laugh together. And most likely I will not know that I am experiencing a "last time" moment until it's too late.

That's not the end of it though. This thought process can easily be applied to everything else and everyone else in my life. It makes me hyper-aware of everything I do, say, touch, feel, taste, hear and love so that every moment becomes imbued with the gravity and awe of "possible last" status. But it's difficult to remain continuously hyper-aware and eventually I revert to taking things for granted. I've decided that for me, "taking things for granted" allows life to move forward without feeling continuously heartbroken by the unpredictable beauty and brevity of life.