Monday, January 21, 2008
I've done a little more than nothing, technically speaking. I've wandered from the upstairs to the downstairs multiple times. I've gone into the bathroom to brush my hair and clean my glasses. I've neurotically listened to bits and pieces of music and finally downloaded some new stuff from iTunes. I've written a few emails, checked my cell phone messages. I've eaten too many M&Ms and had a lot of tea. I've wandered from room to room hoping for some inspiration to leap out and bite. Nothing. Aimlessness is dangerous for me.
If you're prone to depressive feelings you probably understand the danger in aimlessness. For me, it's too much time to search- for meaning, for truth, for who I really am and what that question even means. The harder I search the more slippery the questions become, the more doubtful the answers. I envy those who believe in God. I've tried. I can't. Do people who have children have time for this kind of crap? Maybe not for 20 years or so. I guess I envy them too, but not as much as the God people.
Depression wraps around me in various ways now and then. I can throw it off eventually, but always fear it's return. The despair, the inexplicable sadness, the intractable loneliness bite at my heels. I look over my shoulder constantly to make sure they aren't gaining on me. When I get far enough ahead I actually start to believe I've won. My heart expands, breaking through the walls I build. I feel freedom. Joy. Hope. Love. I've made it to the finish line and will not have to run that race again.
I'm afraid, though, that what feels like winning is just a temporary truce. I find something to distract me from the search, from the questions for a while. Sometimes a truce lasts for months, sometimes only for a few days. When that blah feeling returns, it's so heavy. My heart is covered with one of those lead-filled x-ray blankets.
I'm not sure why I thought of all this today. I don't think I feel depressed, perhaps just dangerously aimless and aware of the barking at my heels.
I'll be on the lookout for something funny tomorrow or the next day. I'm sick of this serious crap! How 'bout you?
"Still and all, why bother? Here's my answer. Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone. "