I woke up this morning post B.A.D, post self-medicating(which didn't really work, btw) and still felt like dirty, gray roadside detritus holding down the spring plants trying to burst forth. (wow, how's that for melodrama? Good work, Jen) That is, I felt like crap. And not just physical crap either, I'm talking the trifecta: physical, emotional and mental crap. I got out of bed anyway and bumbled to the shower. I spent most of the time in there trying to decide if I felt bad enough to call in sick. I almost never call in sick because doing so is a pain in the neck for everyone else. Kim has to get there extra early hoping to catch my 9am client before leaving home. Then she spends the rest of the morning calling, leaving messages, scrambling to cancel people and reschedule them. Some folks can only get a ride on a certain day or have taken time off of work for the appointment with me and many have already been waiting several weeks to get in and now they'll have to wait several more.
I also spend time in the shower figuring out what I might be able to wear to work that's clean, comfortable and somewhat presentable. I realized that I'd meant to wash some clothes yesterday since I used my last pair of underwear. Damn. When you're considering the first layer of clothing and you're already stumped you're in trouble. I got out of the shower reluctantly. I put deodorant under one pit turned the dial for a little more gel goo and got nothing. I only had enough for one pit.
At 6:33 a.m. I called my co-worker and told her to cancel my day. I went back to bed.
It's beautiful today. Sunny, breezy, perfect temperature and everything is coming to life. I dragged myself to Springweather Nature Area for a walk hoping to work out the crappy kinks. I sat in all sorts of peaceful places, enjoyed the solitude, listened to rushing streams but nothing seemed to lift me out of my funk. Two things I thought would make it better:
1) a dog hiking along beside me
2) finding a swing sized for an adult hanging from a branch way up high
Obviously, these things weren't immediately available.
I came home and sat down at the piano. I haven't played much recently. I don't usually make up my own stuff, I regurgitate what other people have already composed. Occasionally, if I'm alone when nothing else seems to soothe my soul or touch my heart in the right place I'll put my fingers on the keys and see where they go. Today, they found all the right notes. Gentle, sparse, delicate, major key notes that felt sad but hopeful, aching but with resolution. I played it over and over, just for me and it felt beautiful. Relief.